I'm not gonna mess around with someone who plays with dog shit!
A review by Mike Shea Movie Rating: ( * · · · · ) DVD Rating: ( * * * * · )
As our main character has gone after his old man car for his entire career, so have I longed for a movie that lets me hammer on Jerry Bruckheimer with the power of a car compactor or a dog filled with liquer and ex-lax (both are in this film). Seconds is supposed to be a movie about stealing cars, but ends up being a movie about subplots. We shouldn't be expecting less, though, since even his movie about women dancing on tables includes deep emotional father daughter scenes. Most of the budget was spent on some high priced talent as well as some high priced autos, so they had a choice of spending the remainder on either a well developed story or a Burger King value meal. It appears they took the latter. Seconds is the car movie equivalant of Mission Impossible 2. You think when John Woo would make a spy movie, you wouldn't be able to look at a gun for a week because your mind can only take so many in two hours. But instead we got three action scenes. In this movie about stealing cars, the first real car gets stolen at the one hour two minute mark and only ONE car chase. One. Ronin, a movie about leather jackets, had four car chases and wasn't even about cars! Seconds is rittled with sub plots and old relationships brought back including hero with old girlfriend, hero with brother, hero with mom and hero with old cop. There is even a wacky black man, a trademark of Bruckheimer films as well as scenes of scatology. Angelina Jolie comes riding in on a crotch rocket just like Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder with the hint that you might get a shot of some breasts in between the subplots taking place around cars, but they never show.
When watching a movie you know is going to have the intelligence of bread mold, I highly recommend making up for it in volume. I did so with the Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack by turning it up about 5 to 10 decibels higher than THX recommends, but I frankly do not have the power in my 185 watt per channel amp to make up for the deep hole this movie has dug into my head. The 16x9 enhanced picture seemed good enough that even though the movie was ass, I still didn't take the projector down for a cleaning. I heard there were some special features on the DVD including a featurette called Bruckheimer which I would have liked to watch, but I am afraid of creating some form of anti-matter in my head to make up for the brain cells I would lose.
There is so much ass in this film I could write notebook upon notebook on it like the loon in Seven, but I must limit myself to this one page. Bruckheimer has unleashed movies like The Rock, Coyote Ugly and Con Air. Now we get Gone in 60 seconds. If there is a God, we will soon see Bruckheimers ugly mug here.
From: greg ( sixtynine_l88@yahoo.com ) on 2 February 2004
Subject: this is the worst review ever
I love this movie. I think there's enough action to keep people's attention. Besides I watch it to see the cars themselves. I really don't care about the rest.
From: Mike ( Mikesnot@home.com ) on 17 December 2003
Subject: Gone in 60 Seconds sucks
That movie REALLY sucked...
"Eleanor" ruined my love of old fastback Mustangs, and oh, Ron Howard sucks too.
From: Andrew ( pez@yahoo.com ) on 21 November 2003
Subject: Nice language
Ed, your are a real scholar. Maybe you should write for the New York Times.
From: ed ( www.eddie102@msn.com ) on 17 November 2003
Subject: gone in 60 scond
for every one get a life you fucking ass and the movi was fucking bad
From: Mike ( mshea@liquidtheater.com ) on 25 August 2002
Subject: Ebert quote on
I just read a great quote from movie-critic Roger Ebert in his review of Gone in 60 Seconds that puts my whole review to shame:
"This is the kind of movie that ends up playing on the TV set over the bar in a better movie."Thats why he gets to write full time for the Sun Times and my ass is still making web pages for the man.
From: Anon ( egg@egg.com ) on 15 February 2002
Subject: Yeah right
Ok, if you can't even quote the line right, you can't have being paying much attention the the film! It's 'What kind of pervert get's their Johnnies off playing with dog shit?!'. This film is awesome, full of humour and some classic one liners. Maybe you are just all too old...
From: Frank ( fquick@mitre.org ) on 23 January 2001
Subject: Better
That's better. I recognize that you are much more of an authority on scatology than I, and therefore bow to your judgement on the topic.
From: Mike ( mshea@liquidtheater.com ) on 23 January 2001
Subject: Fixed poor language, movie still sucks
I fixed a couple of the errors you mentioned. The reference to Ass was a joke based on the number of letters in sucks being too many for a proper letter / suckyness ratio and I didn't wish to dilute the amount of suckyness by using such a long word. Ass was shorter. The joke sucked, so I dumped it but forgot to drop all the ass references.
The "chase" in the suburbs was so weak I didn't count it. The one at the end is the only one really worth counting. The back street boys add I linked to is a true add for a Burger King happy meal, but the back street boys was just a bonus (I love having so many jokes in one ad).
The gang banger who harasses our two young heroes specifically states that they are playing with dog shit, hense the scatology reference. I chose not to link to a variety of web sites on the subject, but if you wish I can send some URLs.
From: Frank ( fquick@mitre.org ) on 23 January 2001
Subject: Sloppy review
OK, as I said, I will never defend this movie as a cinema classic - or even as a good movie. It is a fun movie for 'old man car' people. For those of you who don't know, I have a '68 Mustang GT Fastback, and I liked the movie because the star of the movie is a '67 Shelby GT 500 Fastback. Not an authentic GT 500, but who cares, it's a movie.
My gripe with your review is, if you are going to be cute and trash a movie - even one well deserving of that trashing, at least be thoughtful about it. For example, maybe I am just out of it, I am 40 now, but "(both are in this ass film). This film my poop flinging dog." OK, when did a straight noun like ass, become an adjective? Dumb-ass film, poor-ass film, but ass film? I don't get it. Also, the next sentence isn't even a sentence. I was also with you on the high priced talent and even the BK value meal until I followed the link to a Back Steet Boys kids meal image. They didn't even perform on the soundtrack and I didn't see them in the movie - I don't get the connection. Technically, there are two car chases, the first involves the younger gang and a Cadillac Escallade, one of the gang gets shot, the second and real chase involves Mephis, the GT 500 and the police. And holy cow - scatology - that level of vocabulary seems a bit out of place one sentence ahead of 'crotch rocket'. I think what happened in this movie (the dog and keys off camera scene) is a bit tame to be refered to as scatology - unless you mean the entire movie is excrement - a valid conclusion but a bit obtuse don't you think?
Mike, I think the sheer number of things to pick on in this movie made you light-headed. This review had such potential as evidenced by comments like
"the Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack by turning it up about 5 to 10 decibels higher than THX recommends, but I frankly do not have the power in my 185 watt per channel amp to make up for the deep hole this movie has dug into my head." That is a GREAT comment - even for those of us who thought the movie was fun because of the stars - the cars of course, not the actors.
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From: Joson ( Dominique_punks143@yahoo.com ) on 9 August 2004
Subject: i want this car
what the hell, this is the car i've always wanted.what the fuck why does people creat such a beautiful car i wish i have this unicorn