written by Mike Shea on 21 November 1999
There have been a few changes to the Rules. There is no more "Banned" or "Hot" actor list. They have simply become their own rules. The "no movies by the producers of ID4" rule has been removed as it is too dated now. The "subplots are padding" isn't like any of the other rules so it has been removed. I've added the important "Ashton Kutcher" rule and the "No Amusement Park Ride Movies" rule.
The following movie rules are built after my extensive knowledge of what makes a good movie and what makes a bad one. They help keep movies honest. There are no short cuts, no easy ways out. We are not sheep, we are not numbers in a weekend box office log. These rules represent the laws that are broken every day by movie makers who think we have the brain of a pea and when we spend a billion dollars in two days to see The Mummy, we are agreeing with them. These rules are black and white, not grey. We may sacrifice a good movie by cutting it apart with these rules, but sometimes we have to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good. Let us begin.
No movie starring a cast member from "Friends". Just because a billion people watch this show a week looking for a guide on how to live their lives doesn't mean any of the actors are worth a damn. They have been type-cast into similar roles in just about every bad movie made since 1998. Any single violation of this rule mandates a banning of the whole movie. Examples include Charlie's Angels, Analyze This, and Office Space
No romantic movie starring the same stars of another romantic movie. Any time two stars show up again in a new romantic movie, the film makers have basically given up and figure that chemistry that worked before will work again. They remake the movie hoping to pull in a few bucks from the teary eyed women who wish that When Harry Met Sally never ended. There are a few violations of this movie including You've Got Mail after Sleepless in Seattle and Runaway Bride after Pretty Woman.
No movies based on 60s, 70s or 80s TV shows. Another sure sign that the producers have given up. They think that by hearing a similar theme song or a particular tag line that audiences will be more than happy to throw out $8. They also have to do no work on coming up with characters or background and can simply throw any shoddy story at it along with a billion dollars of special effects. Shaft, The Avengers, Inspector Gadget, Wild Wild West, Charlie's Angels all violate this big time. Two examples of good movies that are sacrificed by this rule include The Fugitive and the Brady Bunch which weren't THAT bad.
No movies with women running in wedding dresses. I have no idea where this cliche showed up, but it should die. About five movies in one year not only included women running in wedding dresses, but included it in all their trailers. One movie even went so far as to base their title on it, Runaway Bride! The Bacholer and My Best Friend's Wedding are included. There is one movie that is truly an exception to this rule, The Graduate, which is wonderful even considering the running bride.
No movies directed by Michael Bay. I don't care how many people tell me they like it, The Rock just plain sucked. Rather than any intelligent plot line or story we get a chemical guy racing around San Francisco in a Ferarri. Michael Bay is the whore of directors, doing anything that will make a billion dollars but offer no actual improvement to the world of film. Armageddon, The Rock and Pearl Harbor all hit this one.
No movies produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. If Michael Bay is a whore, Jerry Bruckheimer is the pimp. Not only is he a proven racist but his films have subtracted from the overall intelligence of our society. His movies are so rittled with sub-plots that they rarely include more than 20 minutes of the actual story. He defines cliche, if one can do such a thing. Any movie with his label on it is bound to suck and suck hard.
No movie with a plot from a Three's Company episode. One would be amazed at the amount of movie plots that are ripped off from old Three's Company episodes. Everything from dating two girls in the same bar, dressing up like a woman, and acting gay when you are straight ends up as the plot for the latest period piece. Another big version of this rule is the miscommunication plot. Mr. Rouper is listening at the door to the kitchen and overhears Krissy and Janet talking about kittens. He of course assumes they are making an all girl porn and begins the eviction process. Miscommunication is a horrible plot motivator and should be scorned. Ms. Doubtfire, Talented Mr. Ripley, and Shakespere in Love are all in violation of this rule. Keep an eye out, you will find them all over.
No talking babies, no talking animals. This one was pretty much a no-brainer when I put it out in front of my team of experts. A couple of people brought up Babe, Pig in the City, but I just can't believe any movie with a talking pig could be as good as old man Ebert says. Hell, he did give Anaconda three stars. Look Who's Talking (1 and 2) and Stewart Little are good examples.
No movie that violates the rules it sets for itself (The Gremlins Rule). Lets look at the movie, Gremlins. I have no problem being told that there are little furry creatures that multiply when you pour water on them or turn into Joan Rivers when you feed them after midnight, but the minute you put one behind the wheel of a remote control car and he can drive it from the inside, you have broken my trust. When a movie sets up some basic guidelines it must be followed explicitly. Movies like Crouching Tiger and The Matrix do good jobs of setting rules for physics that are different than our own, but Charlie's Angels doesn't.
The more vomit a movie shows, the better it is. This is a Mike Shea original, so don't believe it if anyone tells you otherwise. Any movie that shows non-comedic vomit is an upper class film. Any that hides it is trash. The more messy or serious the vomit scene is, the better the movie. The more comedic it is, the trashier the movie. Saving Private Ryan and Das Boot are good vomit examples. Summer School is an example of bad use of vomit.
No chain disaster movies. There must be a league of filmmakers who decide on a disaster for the year and then make about fifty movies about it. One year it is volcanos (Volcano, Dante's Peak) another it is asteroids (Armageddon, Deep Impact). Any series of movies that follows the same general plot-line is just a weak way to steal our money.
No feminist training films by Jane Campion. I don't know what happened during the life of this director but I have never seen someone take so much pleasure in ruining male characters and teaching women that it is ok to crush us stupid males under their heels. Mix in entire layers of feminist propaganda into her films and you have Portrait of a Lady. I am sorry but I am not going to apologize for having a penis.
No gangster comedies. Nothing is worse than taking a type of film, adding Billy Crystal and calling it a comedy. There are plenty of great gangster movies that are funny all on their own, but don't think that adding Chris Tucker to Goodfella's will make great cinema. Micky Blue Eyes, Analyze This and Get Shorty are good examples.
Don't see a movie because the girl is hot If you ever catch yourself heading to see a movie because they showed you some hot women in it, go rent porn instead. I don't care if they make a movie about cheer leaders with the five hottest women on earth, I won't see it unless it is rated X. Somehow our thick skulls can't fathom the idea that there won't be any skin in it. Erin Brockovich, Bring it On, Charlie's Angels, Sirins, Striptease, Coyote Ugly and many more violate this rule.
Just because a movie is based on a true story doesn't make it good. I can't say how tired I am of being told "but it is based on a true story you fat bastard!" after I say that Erin Brockovich is a movie about Julia Roberts's tits. Just because a movie is based on a historical event doesn't make it true. Remember the book that the author was writing in Unforgiven called "The Duck of Death"? It describes how English Bob single-handedly saved the honor of young women over tyrants when he was simply a raging jealous drunk who got lucky. Movies based on true stories are like that. They are nothing but embellished stories that were hand picked to sell tickets. Me picking dead skin off of my feet is a true story too but that doesn't mean you want to see a movie about it. You are much more likely to want to see Julia Roberts's tits. I don't blame you, but that still doesn't make it a good movie. Judge all movies on their merits, not on any false license of fact. At least Gladiator had the decency to make up imaginary characters in a historical period and it is a better movie because of it.
Any movie with vampires is a good movie. I don't know what it is about these beasts, but they are always cool in whatever movie you put them in. From Bram Stoker's Dracula to Blade they have the perfect mix of gangster-like societies and nasty ways to kill folk. Interview with a Vampire, From Dusk till Dawn, John Carpenter's Vampires and The Lost Boys are all good examples.
Any movie with Wynona Ryder in it must be seen. Ok, this one really is a Mike Shea only rule. I can't place my finger on what it is exactly and after movies like Lost Souls I am really beginning to think hard about this one, but whether I like it or not, I love Wynona Ryder. Any movie she makes is one I have to see.
Any action movie where a character slides across something firing two guns in slow motion is good. This is the easiest way to determine a good action movie. Though it might be considered a rip off of John Woo movies, there are times when directly copying something is good, and this is one of them. The Killer, Desperado, The Matrix and Face/Off are all good examples.
No movies based on video games, no video games based on movies. For some reason the big execs take a look at just about any video game plot and think they get a free script along with built-in marketing tie ins. Movies based on video games always suck. Even if the video game had a good plot, the movie writers, probably insulted already for having to write a plot for Street Fighter, screw it up. Examples include almost too many to list. Super Mario Brothers, Final Fantasy and Mortal Kombat (both of them) are good examples. This rule has a parallel rule for gamers. All video games based on movies always suck.
New! No movies based on amusement park rides. I don't care how many people went to see Pirates of the Caribbean, it was crap. It also led to the Eddie Murphy disaster, Haunted Mansion. God help us if we see a Space Mountain or It's A Small World After All movie.
New! No movies starring Ashton Kutcher Dude, Where's My Car!, Bosses Daughter, Just Married, this guy has made one hideous cocktease movie after another. Even though you can see Ashton dry humping his co-star on the cover of Boss's Daughter you don't see a single nipple in the whole film. Even if you did, it would still violate the "no movies because the women are hot" rule.
No movies starring Julia Roberts, Kevin Costner, Will Smith, or Bill Paxton These actors have shown that their acting ability is as exciting as drying cement. They sell their name like a commodity on the stock exchange and people flock to them like ants to sugar. They define type-cast, using the same character over and over. At times they even have whole movies written about their breasts (Erin Brockovich).
From: WTF ( wtf@yahoo.com ) on 1 March 2004
Subject: This guy
Man I've got to say that you take mikes list a little to seriously.
Guess what MR HollyWood Plumber . . .not everyone agrees with you.
who cares? does it matter?
I for one thought Erin B. was crap. And it doesn't really matter that The Real Erin showed her breasts ... Julie Roberts took this crappy progranda film on her own free will. Therefore we can blame her for the crappy movie.
The only thing you prove by your adamant defense is that your a freaking biased julie roberts fan.
From: Annoymous ( Undisclosed ) on 22 February 2004
Subject: Get some better morals!
Some of these "rules" are genuine, but some are just false. I for one work in Hollywood, I help put together some of these movies. Just because you can host your own damn web site does not mean you degrade some of our actually good movies! I can agree on the Ashton Cucher (how ever you spell his last name) "rule"! He just needs to be run out of our country. I thought "Erin Brockovich" was a great movie! Sure all of you think it was sold on her breasts!, but please, come on, if you ass holes could expand you line of sight to the whole picture you might have understood some of it. Some movies that say they are based on a true story are crap, but I researched this movie, every part of the movie matches up exactly with the "interesting" true story. The only reason 3/4 of Julia Roberts breasts are sticking out the whole time, is because that is how the actual Erin Brockovich dressed, and still does! Search on google for Erin Brochovich, then go the the Law Office that she works at, You will se a picture of her, BAM, looks like she lives in the dressing room of the movie "ERIN BROCKOVICH". Sold! Point stated, so before you go out saying shit, and degrading movies go research what you are going to say. ASSuming, Makes an ass out of yourself!
From: David ( qazadoo@yahoo.com ) on 20 September 2003
Subject: Hot actors list
Any thoughts on Tommy Lee Jones or Jack Nicholson
From: Damon ( damon8766@yahoo.com ) on 13 September 2003
Subject: Hot Actors List
Add Jean Reno to the hot actors list.
Leon:The Professional
Mission Impossible
Ronin
From: Jonny Quest ( cloningjohnyquest@yahoo.com ) on 10 June 2003
Subject: Julia Roberts
I could agree with you more about Roberts. They should make a more with her in it where they beat her with sticks for the entire film. It should be at least 3 hours long. Now that would be entertainment.
From: Mark Kelly ( dikelmm@mindspring.com ) on 2 May 2003
Subject: Banned Actors - Add Nick Nolte
OK?
From: Brian ( brian_bremer@yahoo.com ) on 28 January 2003
Subject: Not bad...
I may disagree with some points, but all in all a good overview. I do have one point to add and one to disagree with:
Johnny Depp needs to be added to the "Hot Actors" list. Fear and Loathing, Traffic, Donnie Brasco are all terrific movies, mostly due to his presence.
I couldn't disagree more with the rule about sliding and shooting. It is the most overused cliche (redundant?) in the action movie genre. In all of its permutations (jumping and shooting, falling and shooting, sliding and shooting, running sideways and shooting, jumping while exploding, etc. etc.) it should be banned. Unless it's Chow Yun Fat doing the shooting, that is.
From: Confused ( ayeee@blah.com ) on 4 January 2003
Subject: Couldn't be a better example of "Too each, their own"
Could hardly disagree more with just about every "rule" listed. I suppose its nice to know that those films we disagree on are made for somebody. : P
From: agree with most ( poddish_emperor@hotmail.com ) on 29 August 2002
Subject: might disagree on some points
Points of note, I agree, gangsta comedy en masse is in itself ironically a crime, however,
Analyze This must be on the exception rule, by virtue, of the Robert Dinero must see rule, Billy Crystal in his own right is pretty hilarious in a cynical kind of way.
What beats this line, "Go get a dictionary, find out what this closure is, I think that's what they are going to hit us with"
In addition at the time of the article writing most video game movies sucked something awful. However, Mortal Combat was done well- it was entertaining. There should be a clause to this rule, when, the directory takes the video game movie seriously great things can happen. The exception to that rule was of course Tomb Raider. Suprisingly, an awesome video game movie with far less hype was Resident Evil. The plot for this game is indepth and rather intrigueing, the director stuck to it, therefore great things happened.
Just my 20 cents. Can I get some change?
From: Elaine ( diamonddog_ed@hotmail.com ) on 21 August 2002
Subject: THANK YOU MIKE!
Thank you for your opinions. Your honesty is refreshing and it is obvious that you would make a good director or producer. That kind of direct and wonderfully blunt attitude is just what the film industry needs. If you haven't thought about a career in film, I pray that you do. Nice work.
From: Ryan ( rshelton@gladstone.uoregon.edu ) on 3 August 2002
Subject: office space
most of your rules are pretty good, but office space really is one of the most hilarious movies of all time. anniston is in it for like 10 minutes, and she's not even that bad (and i hate her). you really must have a hard time being pleased by humour if you don't think office space is at least funny enough to recommend. i'd ask you to reconsider, or at least stop discouraging people from watching it. for they, at least, are bound to enjoy it.
with that in mind, amelie and jerry maguire are the two best movies ever. thank you. and winona ryder is really beautiful.
From: Mike ( mshea@liquidtheater.com ) on 18 July 2002
Subject: Woe to me, no editor
I never could find a good editor. Thanks for the nice words up top and I fixed some of the corrections you mentioned.
From: Scott ( none of your business ) on 18 July 2002
Subject: I broke my own rule
I found your article entertaining and I agree with quite a bit of it (I also am not at all keen on Charlie's Angels or Julia Roberts). I'll probably also find your article informative, as I use it to review/update my Netflix movie queue.
However, reading your piece did break one of MY rules: avoid reading articles written by people who don't care enough about their piece to bother to spell check it (Brakovich, rittled, kittins, etc.)or have it proofread for word usage (scorned vs spurned, all-girl, teary-eyed) and comma usage.
From: icetre ( icetre@digitalfreezer.net ) on 24 June 2002
Subject: Gangsta movies
Gangstas are not funny, at least not when they are trying to be. Gangsters are funny because they are gangsters and the sooner that people learn that the sooner we can learn grow and get the fuck off this planet.
Adam
From: Steve ( sjt@sympatico.ca ) on 8 January 2002
Subject: another rule
Friends and I had a steadfast rule that you may want to add.
Never rent a movie with the same picture on the front and back of the box.
From: Mike ( mshea@wizard.net ) on 12 November 2001
Subject: A wonderful note
This poetic note was sent in by a Mark R. who wished to remain anonymous because he didn't want his mother to know he uses the C word. I found it so breathtaking that I begged him to give me permission.
After the constitutional convention, Ben Franklin said some such shit as, this was the best possible document we could have come up with. Even though, there was stuff in it that was downright fucked up, if you asked him.
Your rules are kinda like that. I might take some out and add a few, but really, if you were the Lee Kuan Yew of Hollywood, there would be a lot less bullshit, and our culture wouldn't be the fucking sissy cunt cesspool that it is.
From: emyers ( emyers@yahoo.com ) on 10 October 2001
Subject: Brad pitt.
Brad Pitt ha ha ha? WTF?! Yeah there are some guys out there who are threatned by the fact that he is really good looking. . .oh well. The fact of the matter is that Brad Pitt is currently one of the best actors in HollyWood. From playing whiney vampires to a piker he never dissapoints (well Mexican sucked but Brad did a good job).
"go'na uy i'm on ac aravan" Piker web speak.
From: John ( jplacson@mydestiny.net ) on 4 October 2001
Subject: I only have one comment for the Hot Actors...
BRAD PITT???!?!?!?!??!?!??!? Are you insane??!?!?!?!?! hahahahah! :) lol!
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From: Annoymous ( Annoymous ) on 13 September 2004
Subject: I mostly agree, however...
I have to disagree strongly on Office Space. Funniest movie ever and the Friends chick gets less screen time than Milton, so she can't ruin the film.
Also, I'd like to point out an exception to your vampire rule: While vampire movies are usually good, vampire movie sequels usually aren't. i.e. Queen of the Damned, Dusk til Dawn 2 and 3, John Carpenter's Vampires with Bon Jovi, and Blade 2 were all dissapointing.