written by Mike Shea on 6 April 2002
The twenty five minutes of little trivia bits and ads for new SUVs was complete. Popcorn was munched, Raisinettes were opened, Diet Cokes were slurped. The fanfare is over and the picture begins. So does the verbal war between a teenager and a 50 year old guy over the use of her cellphone during a movie. Names were called, threats of managerial intervention were thrown out, chaos ensued. I missed the entire first 30 seconds of Panic Room's million dollar credit rollout wondering if this theater was going to look like Arafat's dining room.
Theaters are dead. Long gone are the days of wanton euphoria staring at the picture screen. With them goes the bliss of the pure unfolding tale of film. What killed them? It wasn't the threat of inferior digital projection boxes, it wasn't the Nazi regime of the MPAA, it wasn't even Jerry Bruckheimer's academy award. It was cellphones.
I remember the day I came up with a classification for "Theater Worthy" movies. Usually it was special effects or cinematography that dragged me out of my fortress of solitude. Sometimes it was simply a sequel or director I had to see. But the thought was that the quality of the theater was greater than the quality of the home. This is no longer the case. Not only is the environment uncomfortable, the equipment outdated and run by monkeys, and the price too damn high, but one factor steps far above. People.
My father had a theory that every Sunday, the pod-people crawled out from underneath the sewers and drove slowly around, destroying traffic patterns and making lines too long in McDonalds. I am beginning to subscribe to this theory. Perhaps it is stress or vulnerability but people are pissed off and taking it into the theater. Instead of sitting quietly, we get the star spangled banner in all of it's glory announcing the call to one of 200 patrons from their codependent significant other. We get fistfights over a laugh held too long. People are the center of their universes and all others be damned. Every person of spirit wants to ride a white horse.
Now, only bad movies are theater worthy. If I really care about a particular piece of film, I'll wait until I can screen it within my own controlled environment. A pant-free environment where the phone is off, the drinks are free and the cat is sedated for two hours of pure entertainment.
There I was, my 100 minutes spent fearing for a riot behind me instead of fearing for the life of Jodie Foster and the soul of Forest Whitaker. There I was, in the final moments of the film, studying the green incandescent glow of the twenty something pod-person fondling his brand new Motorola.
Theaters are dead, long live Home Theater.
From: Cameron ( yeahright@noemail.com ) on 17 November 2003
Subject: Next step?
Ok, I agree with pretty much everyone. The wonderful theater experience is completely gone. So, what's next? Trideo? 3 screens surrounding the viewer. Better than Imax because is not so disorienting, but gives you "surround video" and periphrial viewing. The real challenge to this is the filming process; getting all three images to sync and making the transitions between them seamless. What does everyone think?
From: Rick ( rbuchanan11@cox.net ) on 27 November 2002
Subject: modern theater patrons suck
My first job, in 1966, was as an usher/doorman in a thirties-era theater in a small college town. The ushers showed people to seats, signaled the projectionist (a live person) when there was something wrong with the tracking of the film, and turned a volume knob to set the sound to the proper levels during the film. They also kept order and ejected patrons who were unruly, rude, or merely talkative.
I have stopped going to films in theaters, except for those which should be seen on the wide screen (Braveheart, Saving Private Ryan, LOTR, etc.). My daughter thinks I'm a Grinch, but it drives me crazy when people talk or answer the cell phone during the flick. To take my family of three to a film costs about ten dollars a person, if we get a drink or popcorn. For that I expect not to have to suffer through sound and tracking glitches, rude patrons, and sound which is so loud it's painful. Not all of us are teenage boys who have already burnt out their ear drums.
A big screen tv and a dvd player are essential these days for the movie lover.
From: Chris B ( chrisb@sneezingdog.com ) on 2 May 2002
Subject: Not all theatres are horrible
The locally owned / operated cinema right next to my college has really started to be amazing.
A Professor of Film took over the place starting last summer, and it is striving more and more to really bring back the real movie going experience. Comfortable seats, a cafe (not a popcorn stand) out front, in the back there are comfortable couches / tables for people who want to eat and make noise. Every movie I have seen in there (So far: Monster's Ball, Brother Hood of the Wolf, Dr. Strangelove (which alone kicked ass, he managed to get the congressional archives Mint copy of the film) ) left me stunned. Not just because of the movies themselves, but because of the atmosphere (this is not an art crowd college, so I was amazed at the silence).
I am hoping they get LOTR: Two Towers next year. (And also a THX certified system)
http://www.thecampustheatre.com/
and specifically:
http://www.thecampustheatre.com/AP%20article.html
From: Mike ( mshea@liquidtheater.com ) on 29 April 2002
Subject: Premium Theaters
Now this is a good theater. I don't drink, but an age 21 limit is perfect. Big seats, a table near by, tasty foods. It almost sounds as good as.....my...apartment....
From: Ryan Garland ( Ryandgarland@yahoo.com ) on 19 April 2002
Subject: hehe, Graber
Well I sure do miss the days of Galaxy, and if Galaxy can close then why not theaters?
I think that theaters will probably eventually close...at least the ones we know of right now.
I'd say that theaters have a good 20 to 30 years ahead of them, before mass amounts of people have equipment that outdates the theaters.
But I would imagine that by that point there will be some way of presenting a movie in 3D (holographically or something) without needing to wear any special glasses. So theaters will be around, but it will be a major change like the transition from Drive-Ins to Theaters.
From: chris ( graberc@yahoo.com ) on 17 April 2002
Subject: LASERBOY?!
This FROM LASERBOY?
Anyway:
I myself love movie theateters but hate the people who go see the movies. I hate the parents who bring their 10 year old daugheters to lord of the rings. I hate the 17 year olds who use it as their personal time to catch up. I hate the 35 year old who thinks it is his job in life to make a "comment" to try to illiciate laughter. theaters are going under. . .problems surving. . .apparently i'm not the only one.
From: Ryan ( RyandGarland@yahoo.com ) on 17 April 2002
Subject: Teeny boppers are the worst!
First off they are extremely loud in a whiny, shrill sort of way and it is a gurantee that one of them will have a laser pointer who will then proceed to annoying flash it on screen just often enough to make u want to smash a skull...but not long enough for you to determine which skull to smash or to find a good attorney for after u smash the skull.
Anyway my original point was, that people in my college classes are too stupid to turn off their cell phones before they come to class so it is no surprise that they fail to turn them off in the theater. I realize that if I had a cell phone on me at all times, then I would forget to turn it off too....that's why I used the silent or the vibrate option back when I had a cell phone. But that is obviously asking too much for the average person.
From: Mike ( mshea@liquidtheater.com ) on 17 April 2002
Subject: What would it take to get me back in a theater?
A good question. What would it take to get me back into a movie theater after my recent horrible experiences. You have some good ones, like the arm rest and cell phone banning equipment. Here are a couple I would add:
Ushers who make sure people are being quiet. Quality people are almost completly lacking nowadays.
18 years old or over for R movies. No need for that 10 year old to scream at me while I am trying to watch Blade 2 (this is a true story).
To be honest, with my new TV, it is hard for me to see any reason at all to go out to a theater instead of watching it at home.
From: chris ( graberc@yahoo.com ) on 17 April 2002
Subject: Dead? naw
Theaters are in need for reform. You have two different types of people.
< b>People A Those who don't care about the movie. "movies aren't ART, they are just something to pass time". These people are happy in a theater without surround sound (and will tell you they can't tell the difference between a surround sound thx digital theater, and a drive in speaker)
People B. Those who care what the directors want, who realize the art that goes into a movie. The skill of not just the top name actor (or not so top name) but what the music guy, or director, or whomever brings to it. Those who will drive 1hr30min to see a movie in a "good" theater.
So what can you do? Well theaters today cater to the massess (I.e. person A) but as theaters try to make money the idea of preimum theaters should prevail. Theaters where every seat is a good one, where you know the seat you will get. Where you get your OWN DAMN ARMN REST. Immediate expulsion from the theater if your cell phone goes off (in Europe they block cell phone's in certain areas, alas in the US the FCC bans such interference). THe list could go on.
I for one would pay more for a theater where I could guarntee a good show. A theater with leather recling seats. . .My question is. . .what would it take to bring you back to a theater?
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From: Samir ( npowru@hotmail.com ) on 9 May 2004
Subject: In Plain Sight
To tell the truth, we all at some point or another have contributed to the ignorance that saturates our movie theaters. As a kid I wanted to be the to make everyone laugh. However now that I am older and maturity has settled in I know the value of wanting to see and enjoy a movie that cost 8+ dollars. Our society is moving toward something. Many of us are aware of it and still even more are not. Most people nowadays want to be seen and heard. They want to be important and deep down they feel they are not. Look at your job. How many of us are the boss? Look at your marriages. How many of us have good ones, and have spouses that respect us? Look at our children. We live in a world where children want to be like Bart Simpson with a Gansta Rap Twist. Little thugs that dont respect anything, not even themselves and dont even know it. Yes it is very frustrating to go and see a movie and not enjoy it. But what can we do? People are not going to change because the powers to be want the mind set of the masses to be ignorant. If you ask me, they are doing a very good job at it too. Just look at what people do. This is due to the materials that we view on T.V., in the Theater, in magazines and hear on the radio and news. What we are complaining about is nothing compared to how its going to get. Its not just in a local theater near you. ITS EVERYWHERE YOU GO. ITS ALL AROUND YOU. DONT TELL ME THAT YOU CANT SEE IT!
Samir